Confessions of a Sugar Addict

Does everyone still have all their feet? Have you fully recovered from sugar overload? Is there any candy left in the stores?

It’s been a quiet week. I, of course, spent it stuffing my face with as much candy as would fit in my cheeks at one time [hint: it’s a lot] much like a fat chipmunk (or a skinny cow).

Image result for fat chipmunk

An accurate depiction.

There’s a lot of hubbub surrounding the candy and the sugar, but what really happens when we crash? When the sugar runs out?

Can I really survive with a blood-sugar level less than 100%? Much like “How many licks does it take to reach the center of a Tootsie-Pop”, the world may never know.

It’s odd, looking at the world through sugar-buzz-less eyes. It seems dimmer, calmer, and less grainy.

I’ve had survive on re-watching the trailers for Thor: Ragnarok and Star Wars: The Last Jedi just to keep the wave of sugarless tiredness from sweeping over me and washing me away to the couch. And, obviously, Thor’s lost locks are enough to drop me there in despair [not to mention Luke’s parting words, “It’s time for the Jedi to end”].

So, with my brain circling the drain, I scour my house searching for the last bits of sugar left hidden somewhere, anywhere. Licking my fingers and picking the last grains of white, crystally goodness from the bag.

The time for 75% off Easter candy is at an end (or nearly so [if you find any, let me know…I needs it. It’s precious to me]).

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What to do after Easter?

The excitement is over. You ran around the house searching for the gifts that the bunny left behind (not those “gifts”). What’s left?

  1. Eat all of the candy. Yours, your brother’s (your kids’), all of it.
  2. Listen to your teeth rot.
  3. Watch your foot fall off.
  4. Have someone take you to the ER.
  5. Stop and buy more candy  (it’s on sale).
  6. Fill out forms at the ER.
  7. Listen to the doctor’s advice. 
  8. Ignore. 
  9. Lay in bed wondering if anyone has died from sugar overdose.
  10. Pray.

Repeat tomorrow. 

Good luck.

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Ending the Fast (…Not Soon Enough)

I don’t know about you, but I’m glad Easter is on Sunday. My will power is at an all time low. The sales on candy aren’t helping. Fortunately, I only need to last the week. Time to power through these last few days to complete my 40 days without dessert (40 days without desert would be easier).

It won’t be long now. Soon, I’ll stand in the candy aisle and buy whatever’s left (all of it?). I’ll sit down and see how fast I can stuff my face and how much I can eat (can a foot really fall off because of diabetes?).

Time to make up for these past few week. In one day. My blood sugar level has been below 100% for too long.

If I had to last longer than a week, I don’t know if I could make it… without boarding myself in my bedroom and never entering a store.

Fortunately, come Sunday, I won’t have to worry. I’ll have a pile of jelly beans, a collection of chocolate eggs, a mountain of marshmallow chicks, and the largest chocolate rabbit I can find. Monday, who knows what’ll be left at the stores [my stash will, most likely, be depleted in desperate need of restocking].

So, hold out just a bit longer. Grit your teeth. Put aside thoughts of sugary goodness. Soon, the way will open. Soon, you’ll taste that sweet, sweet nectar of life once more. The world will have colors and light and laughter and sparkles and rainbows, and chocolate (but not white chocolate; no one likes that stuff).

Keep strong for six more days.

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My Dad’s Right

Baseball is back. The Tigers have already had their first  [and second] rainout. Opening Day in Chicago got postponed for a day [tge second game in the three game series also met with inclement weather].

As it barely reached 45 so far this week, I’m left wondering why we aren’t playing in Texas. 

Keep the early spring games down South when it’s too cold  (and unpredictable up north). Let the North have all the late summer games when it’s too hot to play in the southern states. 

Sure, it’s a compromise. Okay, so you may not see your home teamon their home turf until Memorial Day or after the Fourth of July, but I’ll bet we’d see a lot less sweaters under uniforms [and, potentially, more fans in the stands]. 

Yes, the weather is supposed to be warmer this weekend when the Tigers play at home, but this is still Michigan  (and it snowed today).

I mean, Opening Day attendance is yuge huge, but I guarantee that April attendance at Commerica drops off bigly dramatically after. 

And, if you don’t like what I’ve said, don’t blame me, my dad used his super power {read: common sense} to come up with the idea; I just stole it.

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Did April 1st Fool You?

“Never trust anything on the Internet” is never more true than on April 1. This year had some pretty good ones. From George Takei’s plan to run for Congress (that fact that many links were from The Daily Buzz should’ve clued you in) to kangaroos released in Wyoming.

In case you’re interested, Slate has a list of 13 of this year’s best April Fool’s Day pranks. Or, if you prefer, check out BuzzFeed for their list.

I’ll admit, the kangaroos in Wyoming stymied me. I mean, it just seems like something someone might think is a good idea. Much like releasing zebra muscles into the Great Lakes or the Asian Lady Beetle everywhere.

Hopefully, though, at least one workplace pulled off an epic The Office style prank.


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