Humor As Vice

Sometimes being funny is as easy as making apple cider from apples. Other times, it’s like squeezing lemons to make wine.

The hardest part of humor isn’t always the lines of the joke. It’s timing. Bad timing can ruin the best punchline.

Here’s a little advice: let your humor flow naturally, like your friendships or your syrup. Press too hard and your friendships brighten crack (unless tested by time and strengthened by circumstance). No one wants maple syrup from an oak.

I use humor to make sure that you feel comfortable, to laugh at our differences, to keep people from the awesomeness of the real me. Mostly, however, I hope that you’ll have a brighter day.

Sure, my jokes fall flat more often than not. Sure, writing jokes is harder than spontaneous, situational comedy. Sure, you might never think that I’m funny [I think you’re wrong, but everyone’s entitled to their opinion].

I can’t always make you laugh, but I can try to dry your crying eyes. I may not have the right words, but I have a smile.

Sorry this one wasn’t as funny today. I guess today was a lemonade day.

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Last Week At Comic Con

Pop culture has been eclipsed by nerd culture. And San Diego Comic Con is, arguably, the largest celebration of all things nerdy in the world. And, it just so happens that it was last week. The reveals from many of your favorite heroes were pretty good in my opinion.

We saw a new trailer for Thor: Ragnarok.

Got a trailer for Ready Player One.

Heard teases and rumors for Avengers: Infinity War and a standalone Flash movie revolving around the events of Flashpoint.

And saw another trailer for Justice League.

The influx of nerd is awesome. {However, there is one drawback: we can no longer separate the bandwagon fan from the die-hard. When everyone has seen Spider-Man: Homecoming, how can we tell which fans are truly fans of Peter Parker and which just went to watch Spider-Wuss because everyone else did?

(Who cares? If your friend didn’t catch all the veiled references in the latest superhero movie or missed an Easter egg [or, Stan Lee-forbid, didn’t stay to watch the full credits after a Marvel movie], they aren’t better or worse than anyone else.)}

The casual fan can enter into dialogue with the hardcore. Sure, as you discuss a movie, your friend might wonder why this superhero didn’t have that power or why this event happened but not that one and you may not even know what she’s referencing. Instead of staring dumbly or mutely agreeing, take the opportunity to delve deeper into the lore of the character or characters the world you just explored. Or don’t. Honestly, the choice is yours.

If your friend admits he didn’t understand a part of the movie or missed a reference, don’t mock him {too hard}. Instead, if you know what was meant, politely and patiently reveal the hidden message. That way everyone enjoys the movie more and we’re all in the know.

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In Defense of Ed Sheeran on GOT

I know what you’re thinking, there’s no defense for that cameo {you’re right}. But, allow me two points for your consideration before you write me off (or send copious amounts of hate mail).

  1. If someone asked you to be on Game of Thrones, you wouldn’t hesitate. Your first (and only question) would be, “How do I die”.
  2. As a musician, if someone wanted to debut a new song of yours on a wildly popular TV show, you wouldn’t ask yourself, “Does this make me a sellout?”, you’d premier a new song. 

Obviously, the internet disagrees with me, but let’s be honest for a minimum. Social media is a lot like junior high and high school, those who are most vocal are those who hate you  (or are jealous of how awesome you are at math…or tuba, etc.).

The nicest Lannister or Arya’s next face?

Sure, Mr. Sheeran needs to grow thicker skin. Deleting his Twitter account wasn’t exactly taking a stand, but to be fair when bullies lambast you, sometimes all you want to do is hide.

Look, someone needed to show that the Lannisters aren’t just a family of self-absorbed, obnoxious, inbreds. Sure, there’s Tyrion, but he’s still a power-hungry, narcissistic, Lannister. He just happens to own it and hate the rest of the family (like us).

One of us

And for those of you who hated the cameo, maybe he’ll come back as Arya wearing his face to kill Cersei.

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A Life Well-Lived?

Ever since my last post, people (read: no one) have been asking me for more advice. The most common question is, “How do I know if someone likes me?”

Great question. I have no idea.


My go to move is to be oblivious for weeks, finally figure it out  [usually after someone else tells me], take a couple of weeks to decide if I like her enough to muster up the courage, and finally ask her out. 

By which time she’s usually moved on because she thought I wasn’t interested or someone else asked her out because she’s that great. 

My advice is simple. Figure out what you want, what’s non-negotiable, and find someone who fits that. Regardless of whether or not they’re the pierogi making queen of the world, have cute freckles, dazzlingly red hair, or a billion dollars. Discover yourself and find what makes you happy. Worry about the rest as you slide into your grave with the grass stains of a well-lived life.

At least, you’ll have some great stories to regale St. Peter at the pearly gates. 

Conversely, you could ignore me and do whatever you want. However, doing what makes others happy may not lead to your own happiness  {but it might}.

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First Date Bitters

Summer is a great time to get outside and enjoy the company of a wonderful person  [I assume] (the best thing about summer is, since it stays light longer, you can stay out later and not reveal your fear of the dark). Ice cream shops are open, baseball is in full swing, and bars have outdoor seating.

So, you’ve passed the “Creepy Weirdo Test” and have successfully navigated the tepid waters of the dreaded first date (after avoiding any major pitfalls during the messaging stage…for all you online daters). Great! Now, you’re home over-analyzing every lame joke and awkward silence (don’t. [that’s what this post is for])Let’s dive in, shall we:

  1. When you meet her for the first time and don’t mention how beautiful she looks because she must know and the look on your face clearly gives it away, but later you think that she probably doesn’t because she spent 2 hours with you [yet, it felt like 15 minutes].
    Image result for breathtaking

    I mean, how do even you caption this let alone express it to someone? (“Gurgledy-burbledy”…because you’re underwater {don’t explain the jokes})

    Take a deep breath and let it go. Tell her next time [assuming there is a next time].
  2. You forgot to use all the carefully crafted notes and couldn’t find a way to fit in your clever jokes; yet, you still found a way to make her laugh [being super hilarious is such a burden (way to waste a prefect lead in to “Hilarity is such a burden” […I don’t get it (le sigh)])].
    Image result for sheldon cooper throwing paper gif

    All that hard work…wasted.

    Life isn’t made up of perfectly crafted plots that follow perfectly molded outlines.
  3. You talked way too much about yourself, because you were nervous, but still managed to listen to her salient points (and remembered one? Two?).
    Image result for backstory

    Conversations shouldn’t be hostage situations [sorry Doofenshmirtz].

    Dating is like writing, no one wants to read [or listen to] backstory within the first chapter [or on the first date]; spread it out over the course of organic conversation (so, no artificial growth hormones or preservatives?{don’t wax lethargic, okay?}).

  4. You wore a clean shirt because you remembered to do laundry that morning (and finished it that afternoon against all odds).
    Image result for clean shirt

    Nailed it.

    At least you got something right (mostly).
  5. You spent less time gazing at her because you were afraid she’d think you were staring/gawking [or get lost in the beautiful depths of her eyes]. 

    Who wouldn’t get lost in those?

And yet, (despite your “charming wit), you’ve managed to get her to agree to see you again (clearly you’re a sorcerer {maybe she was just being polite (wait, did you ask at the end of the first one? Some consider that a faux pas mistake [who cares what others think?])}). Bravo. Congratulations. And, good luck.

Too bad you didn’t have any ideas prepared. Ah, well, there’s always tomorrow (a new day with new mistakes to make) [wait, does this mean that I’m you’re getting married now? {Wow, why not just title this post: How to Give Your Mother a Heart Attack”?}].

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