First Date Bitters

Summer is a great time to get outside and enjoy the company of a wonderful person  [I assume] (the best thing about summer is, since it stays light longer, you can stay out later and not reveal your fear of the dark). Ice cream shops are open, baseball is in full swing, and bars have outdoor seating.

So, you’ve passed the “Creepy Weirdo Test” and have successfully navigated the tepid waters of the dreaded first date (after avoiding any major pitfalls during the messaging stage…for all you online daters). Great! Now, you’re home over-analyzing every lame joke and awkward silence (don’t. [that’s what this post is for])Let’s dive in, shall we:

  1. When you meet her for the first time and don’t mention how beautiful she looks because she must know and the look on your face clearly gives it away, but later you think that she probably doesn’t because she spent 2 hours with you [yet, it felt like 15 minutes].
    Image result for breathtaking

    I mean, how do even you caption this let alone express it to someone? (“Gurgledy-burbledy”…because you’re underwater {don’t explain the jokes})

    Take a deep breath and let it go. Tell her next time [assuming there is a next time].
  2. You forgot to use all the carefully crafted notes and couldn’t find a way to fit in your clever jokes; yet, you still found a way to make her laugh [being super hilarious is such a burden (way to waste a prefect lead in to “Hilarity is such a burden” […I don’t get it (le sigh)])].
    Image result for sheldon cooper throwing paper gif

    All that hard work…wasted.

    Life isn’t made up of perfectly crafted plots that follow perfectly molded outlines.
  3. You talked way too much about yourself, because you were nervous, but still managed to listen to her salient points (and remembered one? Two?).
    Image result for backstory

    Conversations shouldn’t be hostage situations [sorry Doofenshmirtz].

    Dating is like writing, no one wants to read [or listen to] backstory within the first chapter [or on the first date]; spread it out over the course of organic conversation (so, no artificial growth hormones or preservatives?{don’t wax lethargic, okay?}).

  4. You wore a clean shirt because you remembered to do laundry that morning (and finished it that afternoon against all odds).
    Image result for clean shirt

    Nailed it.

    At least you got something right (mostly).
  5. You spent less time gazing at her because you were afraid she’d think you were staring/gawking [or get lost in the beautiful depths of her eyes]. 

    Who wouldn’t get lost in those?

And yet, (despite your “charming wit), you’ve managed to get her to agree to see you again (clearly you’re a sorcerer {maybe she was just being polite (wait, did you ask at the end of the first one? Some consider that a faux pas mistake [who cares what others think?])}). Bravo. Congratulations. And, good luck.

Too bad you didn’t have any ideas prepared. Ah, well, there’s always tomorrow (a new day with new mistakes to make) [wait, does this mean that I’m you’re getting married now? {Wow, why not just title this post: How to Give Your Mother a Heart Attack”?}].


About bkreuch

I like to read, I like to write, and I like to make people laugh.
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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