With everyone stomping around raging, “I can’t even, anymore!” (there’s a lot to give up on these days), I thought we might want to figure out a way to even again. For instance, after watching the Presidential Debates, my brain flat-lined and very clearly couldn’t even. Is there a way to get it back on track (defibrillation?), am I doomed to some zombie state existence, I am only able to odd now?
Relax. Take a deep breath. Understand why you’re unable to even. Perhaps you’ve seen too many odd numbers recently. Perhaps you’ve read too many political articles or spent too many hours browsing BuzzFeed or Huffington Post.
Take a break from the situation or person that frustrated you. Turn off the internet. Wait, is that even possible? Does anyone know Al Gore’s phone number? If anyone can turn off the internet, its inventor can. That would be a great help to helping me find an even footing again.
Realize your feelings are valid, but don’t let them control you. Breathe. I already mentioned that, but it’s an important reminder. Without oxygen, the brain can die (it’s not from reading mind-numbing articles). If we can’t use our brains, what’s driving our bodies?
Step 4: Check your ears and sinuses. Whenever I’m sick, my balance is wonky. It’s easy to tell when I’m sick, I’m miserable and cranky, I can’t stand, walk, or carry heavy objects [I also like chicken noodle soup and ginger ale]. Equilibrium is important (it’s also a pretty good movie).
Step 5: Punch something. …Wait, that actually isn’t great advice (it helps me). Let’s cross it off the list.
Find the root of the problem. Try to odd for a while. A change of perspective just might help reset your mind and focus you on a solution or the root of the problem [maybe even the square root, if you really put your mind to it (stop with the bad math puns, no one likes them)].
Understand the other person’s perspective. Eat ice cream. Who doesn’t love an ice cream sundae? I know I always feel better after gorging myself on a banana split [until the ice cream headache sets in and my stomach rebels and the overfilling I just gave it].
Step 7: When all else fails, drink*. Milk, water, juice, all pretty good mixers…well, maybe not milk (it might be good with Kahlua). The best decisions are the ones we don’t remember…wait, no, that doesn’t seem right. I’m pretty sure plenty of movies tell us the opposite.
When you’re struggling to even, just remember these seven simple steps. I’ve even composed an anagram for them. TTBCTED
Tiny Turtles Bedazzled Cows That Elongated Dictation (did you really think it’d be a good mnemonic device?). You’re welcome.
*Always drink responsibly.