Take Away(s from) the Presidential Campaigns

There’s a lot of craziness surrounding our current political climate and, obviously, it’s completely centered around the presidential campaigns.  Which is great, if you like circuses, empty promises, and…um…politics.

I’m just waiting for a candidate who supports my views.

  1. Renew the space program.  We already spend a lot on national defense.  Which is fine {except we can’t even secure our own borders}; I’m not saying to spend less.  I just want us to spend it differently.  If we take a fraction of what we spend, say whatever the eleventh highest country spends on defense, and funnel it into the space program, we’d have starfighters.  Maybe not hyperdrive or warp capabilty, so no X-Wings, but I bet we’d have TIE Fighters.  Ion engines are already conceptualized.  Let’s build some screaming eyeballs and see what happens.  No one’s going to mess with a country that has TIE Fighters, just ask the Empire (ever heard of the Rebel Alliance?).
    Added bonus: international defense and extraterrestrial defense
    (Added bonus: we could actually have Guardians of the Galaxy…except they’d all be humans [so, the Avengers in space?].)
  2. The war on terror.  Americans are scared.  There’s no denying that.  We just disagree on what frightens us most.  So, I’ll just focus on one thing: insurgents living in caves.  Sure, ecologists {hippies} won’t let us bomb a mountain out of existence, but how hard is it to send a sidewinder into every opening or to collapse every cave entrance we find?
    Added bonus: a few less suicide bombers, because they’d need to dig out their fellow zealots.
    (Added bonus: Batman.  [Explanation: he fights Scarecrow.])
  3. Platypuses.  We need someone to investigate what happened.  I mean, seriously.  How did God come up with that idea?  Wait, would that violate the separation of Church and State?  Okay, sorry, scratch that one.
  4. Robot overlords.  With many people clamoring for an increase in minimum wage, corporations are fighting back.  Automated services are replacing minimum wage jobs.  Or at least, threatening to.  Which is great if you don’t like talking to people.
    Downside: you can’t flirt with the automated espresso machine at Starbucks.  Of course, this leads to a future where robots have taken over humanity and force us to do their bidding…I’m not sure what it is, I don’t speak binary.
    (Downside: someone would program the overlords in Bocce)
  5. Time travel.  Someone needs to stop this fiasco from happening.  There are, at least, three candidates who would ruin America.  [But, if someone stopped it, wouldn’t they then create a parallel universe?  Therefore, they are living in a new era–utopian, distopian, who knows?–while we are stuck in the current timeline.  Hmm…time paradoxes are difficult.]  Would we be able to only travel backward or only travel forward?  What if someone did invent it, but could only travel forward and kept jumping forward in the hopes of finding a time where the world wasn’t such a mess only to reach the end of time and not be able to return?
    Downside: there are so many questions.
    (Added bonus: Dr. Who.)
  6. Open carry.  Look everyone wants America to return to the wild west [except, maybe, Native Americans].  It was way cooler.  We had horses, pistols, and steam-driven machines.  Who doesn’t want that?
    Added bonus: duels.
    Downside: only those fast on the draw would survive.  And smallpox.
  7. Cockroaches.  The world’s going to end.  And, let’s be honest, we’re [as in the human race] probably going to cause it.  Something will ignite World War III, a cataclysmic event that leads to nuclear winter and knocking the planet off its orbit.  Cockroaches will probably survive.  Everything else, though?  No so much.  We need to develop studies to increase our durability.  Cockroaches are a great place to start.
    Downside: we might have to live in dumpsters.
    (Added bonus: we might get super powers.)

In case you couldn’t tell {} leans more conservative, () leans more nerd-driven, and [] leans more explanation-orientated


About bkreuch

I like to read, I like to write, and I like to make people laugh.
This entry was posted in Humor, Satire and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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