Lies My Father Never Told Me

In honor of Father’s Day, this weekend, I thought I’d make a list of things my father never told me and now I wish he had (really?).

  1. You can do everything.  Don’t get me wrong, he always said I could be anything I wanted, but it would take hard work, perseverance, and determination.  That is not the sort of thing we are supposed to hear.  The world is our oyster.  That’s the sort of gem we need to buoy young spirits and instill a culture of narcissists hipsters entitled cultured elites citizens.  [Not that everyone has an equal footing at the start.]

    Does the U.S. Olympic team need alternates for the alternates' alternates' alternates?

    (It’s really easy when you walk up to the target and stab it.)

  2. You hit every mark you set.  Clearly, you haven’t seen me shoot a bow with arrows at a target.  Or throw arrows at a target.  Or try to stab a target with arrows.
  3. Don’t grow up.  Contrary to Peter Pan, my father believed that men–real men–are needed in this world, not boys.  Which means giving up video games and wearing work pants [not necessarily suit pants] instead of pajama pants.  Really?  Who wants to do that?  Why work when I can play (or fly with pixie dust)?
  4. You’ll never need to know how to drive a stick shift.  Okay, so maybe it’s a bit hard and old fashioned, but it’s also incredibly exhilarating [while obeying the speed limit, of course].
  5. What you do determines who you are.  Of course my job is the only way I self-identify.  What else is there?  My hobbies…um, does sitting at home in pjs count as a hobby?  The first question people always ask when they meet you is: “So, what do you do?”  Obviously, if I’m not defined by my job, I’m not identifiable.
  6. Happiness is having a lot of stuff [and all the newest toys].  Thanks, Dad, for never buying me a Nintendo or a Playstation or an XBox…or cable until high school.  Or an Ipod, an Ipad, an Iphone, anything with an apple on it; really, the only apples I got were edible.  I’m totally, irrevocably scarred for life (that’s not a secret {or because of the lack of stuff; it would’ve happened anyway}).
  7. Life sucks and then you die.  Clearly, without stuff [see above], life does suck.  And, like taxes, death is unavoidable (then why are people arrested for tax evasion? [does God arrest people for death evasion? {like zombie police? (isn’t that the premise for The Walking Dead?}]).

Thanks a lot, Dad.  I might’ve turned out normal [despite my best efforts].  Happy early Father’s Day.

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About bkreuch

I like to read, I like to write, and I like to make people laugh.
This entry was posted in Humor, Satire and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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