The Force Awakens, My Predictions (Everyone Hopes They’re Wrong)

So, I think I might’ve stumbled onto J.J. Abrams’ script for the new Star Wars movie.  …Not sure, it’s hard to see from all the lens flare (wow. way to reuse a tired joke).

The premise is simple, the Force awakens (shocker).

After the scroll–I mean, come on, there has to be a scroll.  It isn’t Star Wars without one–we pan down to the Millennium Falcon flying through space toward a distant star.  As we get closer to the action, we notice the Falcon is chasing another ship.  A ship that looks like an Imperial boarding shuttle (didn’t the Empire fall apart after Return of the Jedi? [well…we never actually see the rise of the New Republic]).

The Falcon chases the ship but is too slow.  The ship, aka the Suncrusher, enters the star.  The star implodes and creates a black hole.  The Millennium Falcon falls through the black hole.

We find ourselves following a young, sandy haired youth as he steals a podracer/airspeeder/some sort of fast vehicle and races across the desert landscape of Tattooine.  Local authorities chase the kid until he crashes the craft, escaping death at the last moment.  He tells the authorities his name, Luke Skywalker.

Years later we see Luke at a bar.  He gets into a bar fight with an Imperial officer cadet, a young Han Solo.  The two argue over a woman, Luke’s sister, Leia.  Obi-wan Kenobi breaks up the fight.

Afterward, alone with Kenobi, Luke tells him he hates the Empire.  Ben Kenobi shows him his father’s lightsaber.  Luke is mildly interested.  Ben asks Luke to join him at the Imperial Academy on Carida.  On the shuttle flight to Carida, Luke meets C-3PO and R2-D2.

Throughout the movie, we learn that the Empire has done a lot of good.  How it helps people.  And that the Empire brings order to a chaotic galaxy.

Then, Luke and Han travel to Kashyyyk.  On Kashyyyk, the pair of officers struggle against each other’s squad for the best scores until they uncover a slaving operation.  Luke and Han become reluctant allies as they free Chewbacca and steal a transport (the Falcon) and escape the Empire.

Han, Luke, Leia, and Chewy reunite on Tattooine, hoping to find Obi-wan and start a rebellion.  Unfortunately, the discover Darth Vader, his lightsaber (the one from the trailer with side beams), and non-metal/cybernetic body, looking a lot like Hayden Christensen (wait. Vader isn’t a technological terror? does he at least still talk like James Earl Jones?).

In the climactic battle between Luke and Vader, Han saves Luke’s life and Obi-wan sacrifices himself to scar Vader.

The Imperial garrison on Tattoine is destroyed; but the Empire is still strong.

[Of course, the second movie is just going to be a remake of Empire Strikes Back; but everyone’s okay with that since that seems to be most people’s favorite anyway.]

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About bkreuch

I like to read, I like to write, and I like to make people laugh.
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to The Force Awakens, My Predictions (Everyone Hopes They’re Wrong)

  1. bkreuch says:

    Oh, and that black Stormtrooper? Yeah. That’s Lando.

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