Free Healthcare? Yes We Can!

I don’t know about you, but I’m glad we’re getting free health care.  I mean, Canada has it, so why can’t America?  We’re America, we can do whatever we want, dagnabbit.  But some of you might have a few questions regarding the new policy.

Question: If it’s free, who’s going to pay for it?
Answer: Um, it’s free, no one needs to pay for it.  Duh.

Question: How will doctors pay their bills?
Answer: We pay them, obviously.

Question: There seem to be a few items/procedures in this policy that I’ll never use.  Shouldn’t optional items be an expense of the one opting to get them.
Answer: Um, it’s kind of a ride blanket policy.

Question: If businesses get exemptions for paying for part of the new policy, who will pay for them?
Answer: The insurance companies.

Question: So, then won’t the businesses, who pay the insurance companies, be paying for the policies they are exempt from because insurance companies will raise their rates.
Answer: No. The companies are exempt.

Okay, now I’m wondering if this whole free health care isn’t based on the way the government runs.  “Wait, we need more money, well, just print some more.”  I suppose somewhere along the line someone said “Canada has free healthcare?  Yes, please (Read: Messah, like-a dis).”  And we all know how well Jar Jar worked out as a Senator…(i.e. he began the vote for Palapatine to become Emperor.)  Okay, maybe Star Wars isn’t an exact parallel, after all that was just an excuse for a terrible minor character to not get killed off have some reason to stick around.

I’m just crossing my fingers that Rogaine will be added to the free healthcare benefits.  I mean, everyone goes bald, some younger than others.  Let’s help ourselves by adding hair treatments to our health insurance.  That would be awesome.

Okay, so maybe you have excellent genes and won’t go bald.  Could you at least help out those of us who aren’t so fortunate?  It’ll lower the cost for the rest of us?  Thanks. We really appreciate it.  Maybe this could be part of the deal to get rid of another serious disease: pregnancy.  Except that men don’t get pregnant, so instead of paying for abortions, they pay for hair regrowth treatments and women don’t go bald, so they pay for abortions. Then everyone wins.  …Er, except dead babies…  Well, they can’t vote, so they don’t count as people.  Besides no one likes pregnancy anyway.

Okay, those prudes in the Catholic Church do, but that doesn’t count.  They have sex but aren’t allowed to enjoy it…or, no, wait, that’s not right…um, can have sex only during a full moon?  …No, um, hold on, let me flip through the rule book, it’s only a few thousand pages.  I’ll be right back…

I give up, I guess I’ll have to Google it later.  Boy, I sure hope it’s on Wikipedia.

But seriously, why can’t the Catholics get on board with everyone else.  You don’t hear about other religious groups fighting against contraception and abortion policies within the health care reform.  Clearly, they missed a meeting somewhere.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand the new reforms.  New plan: drop my insurance policy and just bill President Obama.  It’s his idea, why wouldn’t he help out a fellow American get free healthcare?


About bkreuch

I like to read, I like to write, and I like to make people laugh.
This entry was posted in Humor, Satire and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Free Healthcare? Yes We Can!

  1. bkreuch says:

    Okay, I admit, I’m sometimes an insomniac. Do you think that’s covered in the new healthcare system?

  2. Jared says:

    Ha! I just blew chunks reading this. Phenomenal.

    Cheers, mate.

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