Has anyone ever really been able to pull of a mustache? I mean, sure, in the 70s and 80s they were all the rage; but people still wear them. It’s just odd. It takes a certain …I don’t know what… to pull of the much discussed look. Many of us cannot grow it well enough to even consider it. Unless of course, your name is Tom Skerrit, Tom Sellick, Sam Elliot, or Burt Reynolds. (OK, to be fair, I have two uncles with mustaches and they both pull off the look; but the rest of us need to be more careful.)
I think there ought to be a few guidelines to help determine whether or not you should grow a mustache.
1. Your profession: Are you a major league baseball pitcher? A police officer or state trooper (and to a lesser extent, security officer)? In the army? A porn star? An actor portraying one of these professions. esp. in a comedic or stereotypical role?
2. Do you want to look like a child molester?
3. Can you grow a sufficiently awesome mustache? There is a certain quality of mustache required before you can grow it on its own. If uncertain, test it with a beard or pair it with a goatee to check.
4. Do you idolize a certain, red overall wearing plummer?
5. Are you over the age of 40? Let’s be honest, anyone over the age of 40 has probably already tried to grow a mustache at least once, so they know if they can pull off the look.
6. Will you keep it well groomed?
If your answer is yes to number 1, 3, 4, 5, or 6, great! continue your pursuit of mustached awesomeness. If your answer is yes to number 2, get help. Seriously.
I once saw a young man, probably 21-28, with a mustache and a ponytail that reached to the middle of his back (I’d put up a picture, but you’d just carve your eyes out Oedipus style). The kid, yes, he was baby-faced even with the mustache, was an unfortunate victim of mustache-envy. He was convinced he could wear the ‘stache alone without the need of a training beard. Unfortunately, we all fall into the trap of the sheer awesomeness that is the mustache and attempt to grow one in order to enhance our own awesomeness-factor. But, as I mentioned, there are few who can adequately pull off the look.
If you are one of the fortunate minority that can wear a mustache, congratulations! You are the envy of everyone around you. If you are, however, one of the majority that cannot, please shave that dead Caterpillar off your face, get rid of the fruit mold, wash your face (insert other names for mustache). Or grow more facial hair alongside your mustache. That’s what I do, except my facial hair growth is centered around a soul patch, not a mustache.
I’m one of the fortunate few who can pull off a mustache.