Damn, what have I been doing with my life? I mean, here I am sitting behind a computer and watching TV while this nine year-old is a published author. I’d better get my butt in gear, I’m three times his age with less to show for it. I should have at least three times the success, right?
I need to start working on a children’s Casanova novel, maybe then I’ll have more success. I mean, if a nine year-old can do it… Wait, I have no success with girls. Maybe I should read his book, then write one of my own. This kid has more game than the NBA–oh, the lockout’s over, um, can’t it still apply?–and has a good soundbite. Plus, he’s better looking than me.
These are the keys to novel success*:
1. Create a good soundbite
2. Repeat your soundbite to everyone
3. Good looks
Follow that model and soon you’ll be a successful novelist like young Alec Greven. Unless you want to write fantasy novels, then you need to grow a sweet beard, keep your hair long, and wear cool hats. That’s how Robert Jordan did it and that’s how we all should do it, too. Oh, and take up a hobby, like sword collecting or pipe collecting…I don’t think comic book collecting counts; but I could be wrong (crossing my fingers).
*Disclaimer: I have done little research into novel success. Your results may vary.