Manifest Destiny: Holiday Ho!

I’m certain you’ve noticed by know how dominant the Christmas season has become in corporate America.  It dominates the winter shopper season like the BCS dominates a mockery of college football tradition.

Every time I walk into a store for a sweet sale, I discover to my chagrin that the item I want is no longer in stock because I arrived a few hours after the sale began.  As I maneuver through the crowds, I cower inwardly and wonder if a single nudge will be enough to cause a scandal or fight.  And the poor, haggard-looking employees seem to walk around in a daze: tired and depressed.

Did those rushing to find gold in California in the 1940s seem so withdrawn and stark?  Did they wish for something new and better to come along to free them from the monotony of the everyday?  Did the explorers and expansionist of the 19th century long for a better boss, more days off, or better holiday pay?

What has happened to the American spirit?  Our drive to the Pacific was sensational.  Unstoppable.  It was our destiny.  And now, we are destined for further greatness.  Just as we reshaped North America into our own image, we are destined to reshape the holidays as well.  Thanksgiving will now be known as Black Friday Eve (thanks, Ken).  The Christmas season starts on November 1st.  Who needs time-and-a-half for working holidays?  The weak and the unpatriotic.  Your family can see you when you sleep or in old photographs as they reminisce about the time you used to spend with them.  The holidays aren’t for time off, the holidays are for spending and making money.  Lots and lots of money.

Every store, restaurant, movie theater, etc. needs to stay open from December 1st until December 25th without closing.  And the entire week of Black Friday.  Only then will we truly  have expanded our winter shopping season to its maximum potential.  And with this expanded potential comes more jobs and we all know that America needs more jobs.  So, let’s start creating them by expanding toward our destiny.

Christmas dominates the scene, but I think we are missing a key niche market.  Why not expand Halloween into its own year-round celebration?  Bronners is the Christmas Wonderland store open all year-round; why not have a Burtons that does the same for Halloween?  It would cater to all sorts of specialty needs: Hanukkah presents, decorations, and candles with an eerie flair; Christmas decorations such as skeleton Santa and his zombie reindeer; or an Easter hunt for the Legendary Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh?

With this kind of expansion, we’ll never have the let down between holidays.  Shoppers remorse will become a thing of the past as we continually look forward to the next great deal and the next holiday just around the bend.  It is our destiny to work hard for little pay and insubstantial reward so that we cannot see our families on holidays or enjoy turkey with all the trimmings.  Sacrifices have to be made while we expand our empire and domination as far as we can.  America stretches from ocean to ocean without gap or division and soon the holidays will too.

The next time, you look at your calendar and count down toward Christmas, start once the school year ends.  As soon as it ends, look for the back-to-school specials.  And smile, knowing Christmas is only five months away.

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About bkreuch

I like to read, I like to write, and I like to make people laugh.
This entry was posted in Humor. Bookmark the permalink.

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